The Queen Declares that Kings are Useless Pieces of Lumps Who Should Just Hand the Kingdom Over and Go Watch TV Somewhere Drafty

I'm going to become a robot. A silvery square robot with lots of shiny flat surfaces and right angles. I would shake your hand, but robots have no need for social niceties. In fact, I won't even smile at you. When you try to catch my eye, I'll pretend like you don't exist. I'll blink awkwardly when you try to give me a high-five, and when you tell me a joke I won't laugh (even if I secretly think its funny). And don't even try to hug me. It'll be like hugging a tree. A shiny, metallic cold hearted tree. But even in my lackluster state, my double A batteries will be warmed by the mere thought that emotions will no longer control my existence. My actions will be logical, precise. Every move carefully thought out and planned in advance. Pros's and Con's lists will become my passion; neatly typed in 12 point Times New Roman and sorted into separate columns by a ruler. I will never let myself care for something destructive. I will never care for something that doesn't care for me.

In the mornings my internal alarm clock will sound at 6AM sharp and I will rise from my perfectly average mattress, to face the perfectly average day. I will oil my joints mechanically, and preread the days assignments over a perfectly balanced meal of nuts and bolts. All my work will be excellent, everything will be perfectly proofread and perfectly researched. My professors will love me because my internal clock guarantees that I am never late for anything. People will begin to set their watches by me; the perfectly responsible, perfectly dependable, perfectly logical Queen.

It will be perfectly horrid.

Cause no matter how much I claim to hate them, emotions are the water to my gills. And even though it would be nice not to feel occasionally, I rather risk the dangers of swimming in the pond than gasp and flop for life on the shore.

So on days when it seems my foot resides permanently in my mouth, or I feel betrayed by someone I thought was a friend, or I fall for a guy who doesn't want to catch me; I know that someone out there owes me some serious karma. And it will all even itself out eventually.

If not, I always have a back up plan. And at least this is more creative than drowning my sorrows in a pint of rocky road, and maybe this way I'll actually have a laser beam.